Learn how to build rapport and create a sense of liking and trust in relationships and business. Phone 07 5562 5718 or email Abby to book a free 20 minute telephone or Skype session. NLP rapport skills - NLP representational systems and NLP eye accessing cues. NLP and Hypnotherapy Gold Coast, Robina. Neuro Linguistic Programming - online sessions available.
NLP Rapport Skills - How to Build Powerful Rapport
By Abby Eagle (2017)
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In this article I am going to show you how to improve your rapport skills. So what is rapport? Rapport is the establishment of trust and harmony in a relationship. Rapport indicates that there is some similarity and likeness between you and the other. Without rapport you will never gain the support and cooperation of other people.
There are a number of levels at which rapport may be established.
1. Personality type.
2. Gender, Religion, Politics, Culture, Ethnicity
3. Values, beliefs and interests.
4. How you dress.
5. How you position your body.
6. How you talk including the type of words that you use.
In some cases you may find it easier to establish and maintain rapport with someone who has a similar personality type – that is they share similar NLP meta programs to you. Same goes with people who share similar religious and political views - and values, beliefs and interests. How you dress - your culture and ethnicity all play a part in establishing rapport.
To establish rapport you need to mirror the other person in some way – you need to show them in some way that you are similar – that you are alike.
So let’s say that you are in a situation where you need to establish rapport with someone who is quite different to you – what do you do?
You pace elements within the three communication channels of physiology, auditory analogue and auditory digital. Let’s simplify that starting with what you can see. Remember that rapport is about sameness and likeness – so what you do is to look at the other person’s body and you breath in the same way as they do. You mirror the angle of their torso. You mirror their head, neck and shoulder relationship. You stand or sit the way that they do. You make similar gestures. Though if you over accentuate this then it could look like you are mimicking the other and you will lose rapport. If they are tense then you might tense your body – if they are relaxed then you might relax your body. And you might mirror their eye movement. Wow – that is quite a lot and it will take time to learn but if you practise one element each day then eventually you will master it.
Physiology / Body Language
- Breathing.
- Torso angle.
- Head neck and shoulder relationship.
- Posture and weighting of the body.
- Gestures with arms and legs.
- Movement of the legs and feet.
- Muscle tension.
- Eye movements.
In addition to pacing the other person’s physiology you may also match the tone of their voice, the rate of their speech – that is the tempo – you may match the pitch of their voice – the rhythm, any accent and pauses.
Auditory Analogue
- Tone
- Tempo
- Pitch
- Rhythm
- Accents
- Pauses
Which takes us to the words that they use. In our language there are words that indicate use of our five senses. So a person might use words that indicate use of the visual, auditory, kinaesthetic, olfactory or gustatory systems. For example works like, bright, colourful, sparkle and show indicate use of the visual system. Words like hear, talk, shout and tell indicate use of the auditory channel. Words like touch, feel, warm and handle indicate use of the kinaesthetic system. Words like smell, sniff and aroma indicate use of the olfactory system and words like taste, suck, sweet and sour indicate use of the gustatory system.
Auditory Digital
- Sensory predicates indicating representational systems.
V – Visual
A – Auditory
K – Kinaesthetic
O – Olfactory
G – Gustatory
- Words indicating values, modal operators, needs, wants and would likes, NLP meta programs and words specific to occupation or subculture.
There are also words that indicate values, modal operators, needs, wants and would likes, meta programs and words specific to occupation and subculture.
So by matching – that is pacing - the other person in all of those elements you establish rapport. But how do you know if you have rapport? By attempting to lead. So you might make a shift in posture or breathing and notice if the other person follows. So if you were leaning back and you now lean forward – and if the other person does the same then you probably have rapport. If you stand up and they follow then this indicates the rapport is deeper. If the other person follows you in a meaningful conversation then you probably have rapport. If the other person argues with whatever you say then you do not have rapport.
Part of the rapport process is acknowledgement. Acknowledgment can be as simple as a head nod or offering someone a drink or somewhere to sit. With acknowledgement comes the understanding that in some way we see and hear the other – that we care about the other – that in some way the other person is alive to us. With acknowledgement we build a connection.
Some people use paraphrasing as a way to demonstrate understanding but Richard Bandler reckons that parrot phrasing is far more effective. With parrot phrasing we repeat back the exact words that the other person has used. So for example, if someone says that it is not fair that some people are poor while others are rich then to acknowledge their value on fairness we might say, “Is fairness important to you?” If it is the other person will look you directly in the eyes and say, “Yes it is.” At that moment they will feel acknowledged and you have taken a step towards building trust and rapport.
Acknowledgment can also be demonstrated non verbally. For example, if someone shares a negative memory then you might just sit with them silently and either shake your head from side to side or nod it for a yes with an appropriate facial expression.
You can also use crossover mirroring to build rapport. Let’s say you are talking to a group of people. You ask everyone to stand for a moment – if they do so then they have followed your instruction so you have some degree of rapport. As they stand you might extend both hands out in front of you and make an upwards gesture. When it is time for them to sit you might just move your hands down without saying a word. If they follow then you have rapport.
You might suggest that the audience take a deep breath. As they breath in you raise your hands – as they breath out you lower your hands. Then without saying a word you continue to move your hands up and down. If they follow with their breathing then you have rapport.
Which brings us to calibration skills. How do you know that you have rapport? What is it that you can see and hear in sensory experience that let’s you know that you have rapport?
As well as establishing rapport it is also important to be able to break rapport. Years ago I spent a lot of time practising rapport skills. When I was out in the street I would choose a random stranger and then mirror their physiology and breathing. But you need to be able to break rapport lest you get into rapport with some bad assed person. On one occasion I went and sat down near a group of people. As I did so the person who I had targeted immediately stood up and walked away. He was smart. At some level he had recognised that I had moved into his personal space without permission. On other occasions someone has sat down near me and I too have immediately stood up and walked away. There are those we feel comfortable with and those we don’t. So trust your unconscious mind.
Now before we move on I need to mention that NLP has got a bad reputation because too many people have used NLP to manipulate people. For me the purpose of NLP is to create a better world in which we learn to live in harmony.
REPRESENTATIONAL SYSTEMS
Now let’s take a look at representational systems. Our senses are impacted with over two million bits of information from the world, per second. Our brain filters this information into a manageable 134 bits per second by the three universal modelling processes of generalisation, deletion and distortion, and builds an internal representation of the territory in VAKOG.
Since smell and taste are secondary senses to most people then we are left with three primary representational systems of VAK. Even though we can’t know ‘what’ another person is thinking, there are cues that indicate ‘how’ they are thinking. That is, whether they are processing information in pictures, sounds or feelings. These indicators are known as accessing cues.
Accessing cues are those verbal and non verbal elements of a persons communication that indicate a specific representational system being used at any given point in time. Some of the accessing cues are:
- Eye movements.
- Breathing changes.
- Sensory predicates.
- Posture and weighting of the body.
- Voice tonality, tempo, rhythm and frequency of speech.
- Gestures with hands and arms.
- Movements of legs, feet and fingers.
- Skin colour changes.
- Muscle tension.
- Pupil size and dilation.
- Varying moisture on the skin.
- Pulse rate and depth.
Full body calibration
If you take a normally organised hemispheric, right handed person like myself and you draw a line down the centre of the body and then divide the body into three layers. When the gestures are high it indicates visual processing, when the gestures are in the middle it indicates auditory processing, when the gestures are down right it indicates kinaesthetic processing and when down left it indicates internal dialogue. But take note that these are generalisations – you need to test them out for yourself. And with some people they will be reversed.
Let’s go over that once again. When I look upwards it indicates visual processing. When I look up and to the left it indicates visual recall. When I look up and to the right it indicates visual construction, that is imagination. When I look straight ahead and my eyes defocus and my attention is turned inwards it indicates visual processing.
When people are in visual mode their gestures will tend to be high, head tilted back, skin colour may be blotchy, skin dry, pulse shallow, tension in the shoulders, fast breathing, fast speech and higher pitch, pupils may be constricted.
When people are in auditory mode their gestures will be more at chest level, they may touch the ears. Head and eyes might move from side to side. Eyes to the left indicate memory recall, eyes to the right indicate construction, that is imagination. This is where we get the term, ‘shifty eyes’, because somehow people know that it indicates the person is making things up. Head and eyes down left in a telephone posture indicates internal dialogue. In auditory mode the breathing is more even, more skin colour, more moisture on the skin, and the voice is modulated, even rhythm and pitch, words enunciated and clear – just like some people who work on radio and TV.
In kinaesthetic mode, gestures are lower, breathing is deeper, the person may use incomplete sentences, poorly enunciated words, breathy voice, deeper tonality, relaxed body posture, more skin colour and moisture on the skin, pulse stronger, pupils may dilate or constrict rapidly but infrequently, eyes move down right.
In visual mode the hands may be used to map out illustrations in front of the body. Gestures may be used to indicate timeline orientation, past, now and future. In auditory mode the hands may be held at ear level and the gestures used to reinforce the thinking process. When the weight shifts to the left it may indicate auditory processing, when the weight shifts to the right it may indicate kinaesthetic processing. When the weight is shifted forwards onto the left foot it may indicate visual or auditory processing, when the weight shifts onto the right foot it may indicate kinaesthetic processing. Likewise the shifting of the left leg over the right – or the right over the left may indicate a shift in representational systems. When the left foot wiggles it may indicate auditory processing. When the right foot wiggles it may indicate kinaesthetic processing. When the left hand is used to hold the right wrist it may indicate holding onto the feelings. When the right hand is used to hold the left wrist it may indicate a need to stay quiet and not say anything. In both cases the fingers of the hand that is being held may be seen to move.
EYE MOVEMENT PATTERNS
So now let’s take a look at eye movements. Eye movements in conjunction with other accessing cues are reliable indicators of the representational system being used by the person you are observing. The map below illustrates the direction in which the eyes tend to move when the person is accessing that system. You should memorise this map. In some cases people will be reverse organised.
Map Eye Movements Exercise
To get some practise in mapping eye movements you need to find someone to work with and ask a series of questions that presuppose a visual, auditory or kinaesthetic access. The questions need to be simple and precise in content yet challenging enough to force the subject to think.
The person’s response may not directly match the map. In some cases a person may access visually by staring straight ahead or looking directly up. A kinaesthetic access could be straight down. At times the subject may turn their head completely as if to look at an object in their surroundings but on closer examination it will revel a representational system access.
Step 1.
Ask questions designed to assist the person in accessing a specific representational system.
Step 2.
Compare your results with the theoretical map.
Questions
Vr (Visual recall)
- As a young child did you have a pet? What colour was it?
- What images come to mind when you think of your first few years at school.
- Describe a sunset.
Ar (Auditory recall)
- What did a childhood pet sound like?
- Remember the first few bars from a piece of music?
- What is your favourite piece of music?
- Does your favourite actor have a unique tonality or accent?
Aid (Auditory internal dialogue)
- In your mind recite a nursery rhyme, a speech or a poem.
Vc (Visual construct)
- If a kangaroo and a parrot were to mate what would their offspring look like?
- Can you imagine a giraffe driving a Rolls Royce.
Ac (Auditory construct)
- Imagine a cartoon character talking to your best friend.
- If you were to meet your favourite actor what do you think they would say to you?
Kr and Kc (Kinasthetic recall and construct)
- Without touching your hands which one feels the warmest?
- Can you remember a feeling of exhilaration?
- Can you remember the sensation of walking barefoot on hot sand or wet grass?
- What would it feel like to have one foot in icy water while warming your hands in front of an open fire?
Summary
To summarise this article on rapport skills. Rapport is the establishment of trust and harmony in a relationship. Rapport indicates that there is some similarity and likeness between you and the other. Without rapport you will never gain the support and cooperation of other people.
There are a number of levels at which rapport may be established.
1. Personality type.
2. Gender, Religion, Politics, Culture, Ethnicity
3. Values, beliefs and interests.
4. How you dress.
5. How you position your body.
6. How you talk including the type of words that you use.
The way that you know that you have rapport is by staying in sensory awareness to how you relate to the other person. We call this calibration.
In a challenging situation where you may need to establish rapport with people of a different racial, ethnic and/or cultural background one of the best things is to say little and just hang out with them. I have observed this with a number of ethnic groups – a group of people get together for a day focussed on a simple activity like sharing a meal. There is not a lot of conversation – instead people connect with each other by sharing in simple tasks like preparing food, stoking a fire, playing music or just by sitting quietly.
REFERENCES
- Bagley, D., Reese, E., Beyond Selling. Cupertino, California: Meta Publications, 1988.
- Bandler, R., La Valle, J., Persuasion Engineering. Capitola, CA. Meta Publications, 1996.
- Dilts, R., Roots Of Neuro-Linguistic Programming. Cupertino, California: Meta Publications, 1983.
- Cameron-Bandler, L., Solutions: Practical And Effective Antidotes For Sexual And Relationship Problems. San Rafael, California: Future Pace, 1985.
- Lee, S. The Excellence Principal. Oregon: Metamorphous Press, 19??
- McClendon, T., NLP Practitioner Training Program. Perth.
- Richardson, J., The Magic Of Rapport. Cupertino, California: Meta Publications, 1987.
If you are looking for an NLP coach or mentor then feel free to contact myself – Abby Eagle using the contact form - top right of this page.
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