Abby Eagle's Journal

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An orgasm with existence (6/7/2006)
The experience I am about to relate I had four days ago so I will try and recollect it as best I can. For some time now while sitting in meditation there has been the sense of being on the edge of ecstasy. Over the last few months I have played a lot with the vastness meditation and combined it with other techniques. In the vastness meditation I am able to explore my energy within me and around me and to drop deep within myself. (When I first started to meditate 22 years ago I was probably quite contracted and my sense would have been just in front of the body and very much in the mind so I would have been in my peripheral energy but now I am able to go deeper into my core.) I have noticed that if I bring my awareness to the crown chakra and drop down inside the body to below the first chakra there is a particular type of experience but if I start with the first chakra and move upwards inside the body it becomes quite sexual and disconcerting, so I prefer to move down inside rather than up.

I have also begun to understand that Osho may be talking quite literally sometimes when he says something like the following and please note that these are not quotes: "The centre is only one step inwards. Go inwards to your centre like an arrow. Be total. Go inwards with an intensity as if this is the last moment. Seeing is all that is required. Enlightenment is the absolute understanding of existence. For enlightenment to happen only one moment of totality with no thought is required. Enlightenment is a revelation, a remembering of what is already there. One does not have to do anything to achieve enlightenment, one just needs to be aware of it. The periphery of your consciousness equates to the mind and the body. The centre is the core of your consciousness and totally silent. When one reaches to the centre there is an explosion of light. When one reaches to the centre you experience the ultimate orgasm with existence. Your body vibrates with the whole. The silence is intoxicating. You feel yourself drowning into the silence. The sexual union between a man and a woman completes a circuit in the brain that allows orgasm to occur. Meditation completes that circuit without the necessity for the other."

One Thursday evening I was sitting in meditation. I moved into the vastness meditation and as usual the internal dialogue virtually disappeared, though I was left with a coaching internal dialogue that I associate with witnessing. As I explored the vastness the feeling of ecstasy became a little more intense. It was as if a female presence within me was presenting itself. I coached myself with my internal dialogue. "Come back to your self. Be total. Come back into your centre as-if this is the last moment. Be with the presence, and so on." And as I did so I became more present and the experience of silence deepened. At times there was much fear and vulnerability. I felt myself dissolving into the silence, sometimes a feeling of drowning into the silence. The feeling is hard to describe: of niceness, sweetness, love, bliss. Sometimes a point of intense energy in my heart space. And as I let go of the coaching internal dialogue and entered deeper into the silence the feeling of ecstasy intensified until I had a full body orgasm. I had a number of these orgasms over a period of the 70 minute meditation. During the most intense one there was an explosion of light, my body vibrated with intensity, waves of energy moved upwards through my body. At times I felt scared and at one point I felt as if I was dying. (During the experience I felt sexual in the genital area but my penis was not erect and I did not ejaculate. The energy centre seemed to be more from a point in the heart chakra.) In retrospect this experience was probably more complete and satisfying than any sexual orgasm that I have had.

During my Sunday night meditation three days later the sexual feeling at the genitals shifted somewhat and another clearer energy presented itself to me. I think that perhaps a sexual block is being worked through, I don't know but I will just wait and see what reveals itself to me next.

Cosmic orgasm update 25/7/2006
I just learned that a friend of mine has cosmic orgasms when he receives or gives Deeksha.

The night I fell in love with God. 2/8/2006
Since the first cosmic orgasm I have had many smaller orgasms at various plateaus of ecstasy. On this night I had been meditating on my back and entered a state of deep silence for about an hour. Then I turned on my side to go to sleep and found intense pleasurable sensations developing in my body. I lay very still during the entire experience but my breathing was very heavy and sexual.

This time a voice directed my what to do with my inner state. For example the voice said, "Do you want more? Do you like this? Do you want to have an orgasm" When I replied in the affirmative the pleasurable sensations in the body intensified. During the orgasm I found myself repeating, "Oh my God, oh my God, I love you God, I love you". I then realised that the voice that had spoken to me was God and that I was in a deep communion.

To make things clear during this meditation I did not have an erection nor did I ejaculate. The sensations in the penis were painfully intense and pleasurable but at the peak of orgasm they disappeared. This cosmic orgasm was ten times more intense than the cosmic orgasm that I had on 6/7/06. The experience happened over about one hour. The peak plateau of ecstasy lasted about twenty minutes. The actual peak of the orgasm lasted for a minute or so. Afterwards I felt immensely fulfilled. For a week after this experience I was love sick and found it difficult to eat and I lost some weight. Smaller but still quiet intense cosmic orgasms continued to occur every couple of hours. I didn't get much sleep, my work was disrupted and my life became quite dysfunctional.

(Note: I have written more detailed notes on this experience but am not willing to publish them to this website. 8nlp10.doc)

Unbridled Joy 4/8/2006
While trying to get to sleep I came across a space of unbridled joy in the heart. It is awesome and I am looking forwards to exploring it more. At my first taste it seems to be even more beautiful than than anything I have experienced yet.

Remembering the State of Grace 10/08/2006
This evening I discovered how to give myself Deeksha. I sit in meditation for half an hour then see a golden liquid either moving upwards or downwards through the chakras. In my mind I hear the invocation for Bhagavan, sense the movement of the Deeksha givers through closed eye lids, feel the anticipation, sense the Deeksha giver with their hands above my head, feel the Deeksha happening then feel their hands upon my head and then let go totally into the experience. I found myself giggling and laughing out of control for ten minutes. I gave myself Deeksha for a couple of hours and I felt immeasurably happy. I came to the realisation that we don't have to wait for someone else to give us Deeksha, pleasure or enlightenment. Bliss is showering upon us all of the time, we just need to remember that state. Sometimes when I give Deeksha to myself I feel as if I am being tickled. Abby Eagle.

Learn how to give Deeksha to yourself.

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