|Abby Eagle's Diary|
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Abby Eagle's diary of spiritual experiences...
I am crouching in the doorway of a Cessna airplane at 10,500 feet, waiting to climb out onto the wing-strut and wheel. I feel very tense and my mind is shouting, "Come on, come on, let's go, let's go." An instructor, a Vietnam vet, who has one foot on the wheel of the plane and is leaning back onto the end of the wing strut waves me out. I reach out of the door, grab the wing strut and rest both my feet on the wheel. The instructor grabs hold of the sleeve of my jumpsuit. Another instructor, a major from the airforce, positions himself to my left and holds my left sleeve. I am so tense that my vision is a little blurred which makes the hazy horizon even the more indistinct. On the count of three we jump. As we plummet downwards I get a headache which lasts for a couple of days. Driving home along the country road I release the tension by crying.
Next week I go for my second free fall. This time there is only one instructor and I am a lot less tense. On the way down I swing my arms behind me so that I can track across the sky. As I do so I lose sight of the instructor. There is just me floating in mid air in the middle of a massive sky and Earth. The sun has set behind the horizon and the dust in the atmosphere is a blaze of red and orange. The ground beneath me is quite dark, nearly black. Then I feel waves of ecstasy bursting from my heart space and spreading through out my body and my mind. I have had my first experience of ecstasy.
I had spent an hour in meditation late one Friday evening, with a friend, listening to a taped discourse on Zen by Osho. Once the discourse was finished we both continued our meditation in the light of the full moon. Up until then I had been a little tense but finally I felt myself relax into the meditation. In addition up until then I had been aware that Michael was in the room with me but now he seemed to disappear and I felt quite alone. Then I had an experience of our consciousness merging. Mine shifted over to where he was, and his shifted into my body. I felt quite vulnerable because it felt as if he could know my thoughts. After the meditation we discussed our experiences to discover that we both had virtually identical experiences, but we used different words and concepts to explain them.
I had the same type of experience last night with a woman friend. After about 30 minutes of sitting in silence I had the sense that she 'was not there', and that she was very quiet. Then I felt our energies merge and I could hear her communicating to me in my mind. My heart was very open and I felt quite vulnerable. Then I had the sense that we were both coming up from the depths of an ocean. When we reached the surface we were bathed in a golden light. We opened our eyes at much the same time and I had a big smile on my face.
I get into bed, make myself comfortable and then I remain with the Awareness. There are gaps in the internal dialogue. As the body goes to sleep, the breathing changes its rhythm a number of times until it settles down into quite a shallow breath. At this point there is still some conscious mind that is active, mainly through the internal dialogue. It is interesting to watch the position of the body, and the comfort and discomfort in parts of the body.
After half an hour the conscious mind shuts down. The visual field changes from dark grey to pitch black with pin pricks of light. At this point the internal dialogue disappears totally. About half an hour later dreaming begins, however keeping awareness on the dreams seems to prevent or slow down the dreaming process – in the same way that keeping awareness on the internal dialogue will silence that too.
The thoughts that I have now is an internal dialogue that I term a positive coaching internal dialogue. Consciousness now uses thinking as a way to describe the experience.
As dawn approaches the process of waking up is almost in reverse to that of going to sleep. I begin to sense light on the eyelids. I am stretching my legs and rolling from side to side but it is not me doing it. That is, I am not identified with the process. It is like watching someone else’s body move. The hands rearrange the bed clothes as the body rolls over. The awareness of the bed clothes against the body becomes more noticeable. As the body rolls over the heads just rolls to one side in a very relaxed fashion. There is no tension. As the body continues the process of returning to the waking state the light on the eyelids, the feeling of the bed clothes, the ambient sounds all become more noticeable.
The physical body equates to the conscious mind. When the physical body is asleep parts of the brain shut down so that the movements of the body are limited so as to protect itself. In addition the senses of sight, touch, smell, taste and sound are either switched off or limited to a degree. When the body is asleep the sense of self that is associated with the language centre also shuts down. Consciousness is then more aware of the dreaming process. So as the body wakes up it is like the consciousness identifies once again with the senses of sight, sound, touch, smell and taste. It is like this is what ‘I’ can see, hear, feel, smell and taste. Consciousness identifies with the body, mind and emotions – and takes ownership of moving the body. So then it becomes, “I am moving my hand, I am seeing, I am hearing.
I was discussing meditation with a couple of new friends and went into a detailed explanation of how to get an experience of the Awareness. The rapport was good and I could see that they were both listening attentively and following my words. I said something to the effect, "When the internal dialogue stops it is easier for you to experience the Awareness." Then I paused as if in mid-sentence. Then for 2-3 seconds all three of us had a profound experience of silence where the Awareness was present.
While asleep I experienced an explosion of light that had no form. It was as if my entire perceptual field of view was blanketed with a uniform sheet of intense white light. In the background there was a feeling of joy but fear woke me from the dream experience. The next night I dreamed about the explosion of light.
While practising vastness meditation during one of my meditation classes I experienced the following: I was exploring the vast darkness over my right shoulder, behind me, over my left shoulder, to either side, above and below, and so on. The technique loosens the mind's identification with the body's perception of space and time and you sometimes feel as if you are just a consciousness in space. I tried reaching into the space with my physical body but it did not feel right. (Obviously because the physical body is designed to explore physical space.) I then explored the space with my mind but it still felt limited but when I began to explore the vast space around me with my heart the experience became profound.
At first exploring the space in front of me felt ecstatic, similar to that of sexual orgasm. I then felt as if I was moving rapidly forwards. The feeling of ecstasy changed to a feeling of dying. I then felt as if I had entered heaven where I touched the face of God.
I was walking along the Burleigh foreshore after a walk and had nearly reached the car park when through the trees looking out over the ocean to the headland a WW1 airplane appeared at about 150 feet above the ground and as if from nowhere. It had banked on a 45 degree angle and was headed directly towards me. It was a biplane, painted pitch black with a bright orange ring around the motor housing. The sound of the motor was a loud, slow, rich and deep vibration. At that moment all my senses became totally absorbed in the sight and sound of the airplane. The plane straightened for a run parallel to the beach and as it flew slowly from my right field of vision to the left it seemed as if in a few moments I was able to examine every memory that I had about the first and second world war, including that of the reminiscences of my mother and father who were alive at the time. The slow deep growling sound of the motor reached deep into my heart. The black and orange colours, the associated memories, the sound of the motor and the speed of airplane across my field of vision all served to capture my heart.
As the plane reached a point 500 metres to my left and began to disappear behind some trees I came back into the world. Tears came to my eyes and there was a longing in my heart for what I had experienced, not the experience of the plane or the war memories but for what they had indicated. For a few moments it was as if the ego had disappeared and I was not. The submodalities of this experience, the sights, the sounds, the slow movement including the movement of the sound across my field of vision were similar to that of the tai chi experience.
I came across myself in a dream. The me in front of myself had sensitivity, kindness, compassion and beauty. As I looked at the other me I became aware of my tiredness. I felt frazzled and worn out from my journeys. I said to the other me: "If you are me then who am I?"
Consider that you were conceived out of love. Your mother and father were making love, both of them had an orgasm and perhaps moments later the sperm reached the egg which was fertilised. The egg can be symbolised as female, receptive, vulnerable, open and introverted whereas the sperm can be symbolised as aggressive, goal oriented, ambitious, competitive and extroverted. The sperm reaches to the egg, she accepts him and there is an explosion of joy. Egg and sperm both disappear and a new being is born. A growth of energy and life unfolding. __ © Author Abby Eagle
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